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Sunday, June 3rd, 2007

Time:2:27 pm.
I just read back through all my old journal entries and I have to laugh. I was such an angst ridden teenager. This year I'm twenty, and it makes me fucking giggle to see the amount of fuck ups I made. I realsie now, I was a stupid little girl. It's time to get my life sorted and back on track.
Heres a list of the things I plan before this years up.
1. To start writing again. I know I'm good, so whats the point in writing for hours on end, for it never to be seen. I'm gonna see Ruth about doing some reviews for the website. And this time I will not be unreliable, I will do what she asks, when she asks. Not when it suits me. It's a job, it will be treated like one.
2. To get a proper job sorted out. I'm going back to sky, but only for the time being. I will do something that I at least enjoy, and that does not make me come home and cry because I hate it so much.
3. I will sort out my friends. I will make more effort with the people worth making the effort with. I will not lose contact with them again, I will make the amends needed, and say the sorries that are needed. I will not throw everything away this summer, I just need some time to think.
4. I'm going back to college, and I am going to stick it out. No matter how stressed out I get, or unsettled. I am a brillant photographer, and so many people have told me this. I've won awards, and had my work displayed. I just lost the fun in it along the line. I will get myself sorted, save up for a new camera, and get myself in line.
5. I will not be going on tour anymore. I've had enough of going out for 2 weeks, getting drunk, sleeping in hotels, and feeling like shit when I get home because I've got flu or something. If I do tour, it will be on the TREOS tour, and I'll be working on it. I have no issues with that. Thats a job, not for fun.
6. I will stop having feelings for people that are unobtainable. I have dealt with something thats haunted me for 4 years, and talked it over. Even a little with him. I'm glad he's happy and we're on the same page now. I just wish he could get his head around the fact that everything that happend, he was not to blame. I made my set of mistakes, and couldnt speak to him about it. He knows now that I dont hate him, and I am so sorry that he ever felt like I did.
7. I am going to lose weight. Not for anyone else, for me. I am unhappy with what I see in the mirror, and I am the only one who can change that. Strict diet starts tomorrow, no more rubbish.
8. I will pay off at least some of my overdraft and get myself a bit more financially secure. I will also start saving up money instead of wasting it on shit like tours, clothes, make up and magazines. There is far better things it can go on.
9. I am going to sort things out with my family. Looking back and seeing how shit things used to be was the wake up call I needed. My mums been sober for 3 years now, and I dont think I could be prouder. She is now my best friend, and I never thought I'd see the day when I could even look at her. I dont know where I would be without her. She is just amazing now. I want her to know that. Things with my dad are pretty good now that we dont live togther anymore. He even says he loves me which is something that still makes me cry. I will make my family proud of me, I promise it on my grandfathers grave.
10. The money I save, will go on a trip to America. It will be booked by december, and paid off. I will start saving for my mothers 60th as well. I am going to take her to new york as a surprise. I know she'll love it.
11. I have 2 years at college to get through, not easy and it's scary to think of. Once Americas paid for, I will be saving up to set myself up over there. I will move to new jersey, even if it kills me.
And on that note. I am going to cook dinner
4 swore| I swear I say

Monday, November 13th, 2006

Time:10:04 pm.
So I went to see Bruce Springsteen in Birmingham on Thursday. It was really amazing, I got to meet him.

Not so amazing was going through Wolverhampton both there and back, it got me thinking. I don't even know what I done wrong, I doubt he'll even read this, but you know, if you do Daniel, I wouldn't mind knowing sometime. I miss talking to him alot. But I guess people change, things change, and so do circumstances.

That aside everythings going really amazing. I have a job, which I really like, at least it's money. I have the best friends I could ask for. I dont want that to change. well a little, to bring a few people back.

I've dealt with a few things from my past which I guess I feel a little better about, one not so though. I have to just get on with it though I guess. I can't wait for christmas, and for snow. :]
I swear I say

Thursday, October 12th, 2006

Time:7:07 pm.
you know i guess being friends was never enough, and now we've run out of things to say. I never thought this day woul come, but now, I guess I'm starting to resent you. Not you in general, but the way things are now. I miss you so much, I open the conversation window, but I can never think of anything to say. I get too scared, and now I really think you hate me. I hate how I was always 2nd best, but it was always enough with you. I couldnt imagine life without you, and now yr just this little thought that lurks in my mind, all the time. I wonder how he is? I wonder .. I wonder.

I guess I don't even know what to say. Everything in my lifes so perfect, other than that. I have amazing friends, but none that compare to him. Never. You know what the worst part is? Theres no one left to talk to about you. They're all gone too. I thought you were forever. I guess I was way off the mark with that one. I don't know how you do it, but you do.
I swear I say

Tuesday, June 27th, 2006

Time:12:47 pm.
homeslice, imsorry. i love you x
I swear I say

Friday, April 14th, 2006

Time:12:10 am.
isnt it funny how things pan out. I've known her for years but never really if you get what i mean. turns out, shes the greatest thing to happen to me in a long time. dont care what people say about her. she means the world to me and she is that wee bit special.
ive been thinking alot about the past. not dwelling on it and not on him. just how things used to be and all those little what ifs. I wonder what my life would be without him. without us. without the experiances. I really do think too much. I worry too much. I over analyze too much.
Lately theres been something weird going on in my head. I've been thinking about this one boy alot. And I mean alot. since him its just been stupid crushes and nothing else matters. but this one, its bad. Its not going anywhere anytime soon. I can feel it. It's a wee bit nice. but at the same time. its scary. hes not like him. hes never going to be him. and im not the person i was then. i dont know. i guess we'll just wait and see.
to be honest. i have the best friends i could ever wish for. and for once. its all girls, how weird is that? i guess guys just become bored of me. i know why. so its ok. except daniel. i miss him. alot. not long til hes home though =]. but with those two, i feel like i could take on the world, and i KNOW they're right behind me. things can only get better and for once im in the position to do it. mark my words, i will.
maybe some things just arent meant to happen. i believe in fate and purpose more than id like to admit. i miss people more than id like to admit. doesnt matter they clearly dont care about me.
i love third eye blind so much. thats the next tattoo for sure.
I swear I say

LiveJournal for xlil_billyx.

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