I just read back through all my old journal entries and I have to laugh. I was such an angst ridden teenager. This year I'm twenty, and it makes me fucking giggle to see the amount of fuck ups I made. I realsie now, I was a stupid little girl. It's time to get my life sorted and back on track.
Heres a list of the things I plan before this years up.
1. To start writing again. I know I'm good, so whats the point in writing for hours on end, for it never to be seen. I'm gonna see Ruth about doing some reviews for the website. And this time I will not be unreliable, I will do what she asks, when she asks. Not when it suits me. It's a job, it will be treated like one.
2. To get a proper job sorted out. I'm going back to sky, but only for the time being. I will do something that I at least enjoy, and that does not make me come home and cry because I hate it so much.
3. I will sort out my friends. I will make more effort with the people worth making the effort with. I will not lose contact with them again, I will make the amends needed, and say the sorries that are needed. I will not throw everything away this summer, I just need some time to think.
4. I'm going back to college, and I am going to stick it out. No matter how stressed out I get, or unsettled. I am a brillant photographer, and so many people have told me this. I've won awards, and had my work displayed. I just lost the fun in it along the line. I will get myself sorted, save up for a new camera, and get myself in line.
5. I will not be going on tour anymore. I've had enough of going out for 2 weeks, getting drunk, sleeping in hotels, and feeling like shit when I get home because I've got flu or something. If I do tour, it will be on the TREOS tour, and I'll be working on it. I have no issues with that. Thats a job, not for fun.
6. I will stop having feelings for people that are unobtainable. I have dealt with something thats haunted me for 4 years, and talked it over. Even a little with him. I'm glad he's happy and we're on the same page now. I just wish he could get his head around the fact that everything that happend, he was not to blame. I made my set of mistakes, and couldnt speak to him about it. He knows now that I dont hate him, and I am so sorry that he ever felt like I did.
7. I am going to lose weight. Not for anyone else, for me. I am unhappy with what I see in the mirror, and I am the only one who can change that. Strict diet starts tomorrow, no more rubbish.
8. I will pay off at least some of my overdraft and get myself a bit more financially secure. I will also start saving up money instead of wasting it on shit like tours, clothes, make up and magazines. There is far better things it can go on.
9. I am going to sort things out with my family. Looking back and seeing how shit things used to be was the wake up call I needed. My mums been sober for 3 years now, and I dont think I could be prouder. She is now my best friend, and I never thought I'd see the day when I could even look at her. I dont know where I would be without her. She is just amazing now. I want her to know that. Things with my dad are pretty good now that we dont live togther anymore. He even says he loves me which is something that still makes me cry. I will make my family proud of me, I promise it on my grandfathers grave.
10. The money I save, will go on a trip to America. It will be booked by december, and paid off. I will start saving for my mothers 60th as well. I am going to take her to new york as a surprise. I know she'll love it.
11. I have 2 years at college to get through, not easy and it's scary to think of. Once Americas paid for, I will be saving up to set myself up over there. I will move to new jersey, even if it kills me.
And on that note. I am going to cook dinner
|4 swore| I swear I say|